i feel so good.

too good, i wish i felt like this all the time.

i know there's someone out there
waiting for me
there must be someone out there
there just has to be

i should be glad that I'm alive
it could have been much worse
i might have never loved at all
and never known what I am worth

sitting sitting,

with my doggy, my fire, my ice cream, and my brother.
when i woke up the other morning my ear felt really plugged, like i couldn't hear things as well, and when i said something to my auntie she replied to me with, "well, what haven't you wanted to hear lately?"
and i told her, "that things have changed."
why are we all so afraid of change?
why do we all need to only feel comfortable in our little worlds, with our same friends, and home, happiness, and even depression?
whats wrong with us?
or me anyway...
i'm really loving my school, my photography and my ceramics class, my fun friends.

i miss my hayley fayley, my suddo satellite sister.
there was a full moon out last night, and i think theres gonna kind of be one tonight,
thank you god for the moon.

so tired, so sick.

im so sick.

you were in my dream last night...

cuddle puddle:

<33

good days,

today was so fun,
such an exciting day.
everything, the wind, the drives, the music,
all of our adventures are so much fun.
im having so much fun.

p//s

i just love our little cuddle puddle of love.

my body is so sore...

i don't think i've danced this much for so long ever.
music is just so amazing, thank you god for music.

it was fun

talking with her,
talking shit about you,
in a good way though.
we both just love you so much...in different ways
you need to butt out of peoples buisness dumbass :)
<333

you are such a fucking tool
its hilarious
HAHA.

changing

changing, changing, i hear that you're changing like you've always changed.
and covering up things that shouldn't want to be changed.
i am sorry for you.
i hope that you will find yourself soon, but, maybe this is you,
the always changing you.

i want

this weekend to be here already,
im excited for homecoming on saturday,
yay!

i love the rain, and,

i love the way the rain makes my house feel.

salty leave

drunk at 12 o clock at night...
take it literally, if you want too.

i just dont get it...

i dont get you...

I've been so high
I've been so down
Up to the skies
Down to the ground

I was so blind
I could not see
Your paradise is not for me


Into your eyes
My face remains

he's booty...

@#$%

a windy day for a windy mind,
i swear i have been in the strangest moods lately...







smoke me,
breathe me,
inhale me.

the letter for you, pt. 1 of many

this is the only way i can see how you are, how you are doing.
your song made me cry.
i couldnt listen to the second one...
i love you too, i love you endlessly.

night

a night so nice because i had the opportunity to finally, for once, be able to watch the whole thing.
the fog breathed in for me and kept me warm.
there was music that sounded like heaven and when i fell
asleep i was there.
the cold kept me awake, and alive.
...

indulge...

when you said the word, i could picture it in my head
i thought of a cup overflowing, or big red bubble letters floating
i guess it doesn't make sense to you, or you
but it can for us two,
for one night? to indulge
you're words have become my vocabulary,
i don't know why but for some reason they just end up
sticking in my brain...

and it's coming closer.

music

music music,
all day, music.

yes...

http://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2009/08/bon-iver-to-play-sunrise-show-at-hollywood-forever.html

fuck it bucket.

fill a bucket with lots of your favorite candy,
and if youre having a bad day, take a piece out and say...
fuck it.

:)
tired day today,
my dreams have finally been letting me sleep
thank you god.
amen.

<3

a nice day, among the wind, and the sun and the mountains.
just us four visited my old home down in mandeville canyon, and went on a nice inclined hike that left me so tired, and in a good way. it felt good to be tired for once.
i'm excited for this week,
and my music with travis,
and to get my next roll of film developed,
and my future ahead of me,
and to finish reading choke.
yay!!!

great night,

last night.
i have a feeling that tonight will be just as fun.
woot woot!
:)!!

:) yeah but,

she just tries too hard, and is a little gross.
madonna will always be the best, and the prettiest.
i dont really like not knowing what you've been doing,
or not knowing how you've been,
this is hard but i think youre right.

i'm taking things day by day
and thinking of you every second
of every minute, of every hour, of every day.
its kinda hard not too :/

i'm doing alright i think...

""

I've been doing so much time inside my mind.
My head is my cell behind the bars of my eyes.
Tomorrow has a bitter fucking taste.

...and then Mr. Donahue said:

and i quote,"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."

it hurts the most at night.

!@#$%^&*()_+

there always seems to be black paint stuck under my fingernails.
you should see some of the work i've been doing.

i went to natural cafe too...

dear god,

fuck highschool, and the saying:
"its your senior year, go crazy"
i feel stuck, like im in a tar pit.
i feel stagnant, i cant move, i cant breathe, i cant do ANYTHING.
and the same thoughts keep looping themselves
back and forth back and forth
i wish i could shut my thoughts off,
i wish i could write and paint and be liberated,
i need to go somewhere,
get out of here, be alone, just for a few days.
i need those few days to figure everything out and think without
the interruption of stupid people that i don't want to fucking hear.
please stop talking, please stop telling me what to do.
i need to follow my heart, i need to think.
i just cant move.








































i just love you to the moon and back.
amen.

...yeah,

i couldn't agree more.
breathe.

i dont know how much more,

i can take of this...

........

thinking thinking thinking,
even dreaming,
i don't want to, because im scared?
ah, i guess so.

lying, pathologically.

many times, the person doesn't even realize that they are lying. It usually starts out as something very small, and works up into being something big. The end result of this disorder is that the person loses the trust of their family and their friends. Luckily, lying disorders are treatable, but it does take a person that really does want to stop this very bad habit in order to succeed.

i never will find out what happened that second day of school...

i was obligated to work during school hours in order to not miss one of Have Hearts last shows, and even though i told myself i wouldnt miss school unless i was deathly ill, i did anyway and i dont regret it one bit!
oh my goodness, one of the best experiences at a show ever.
the venue was so packed with bodies and lyrics to songs that ring hearts. it was so hot and everyone had sweat dripping down from head to toe, some peoples hands were pruney because of how much humidity was in the air.
it was something i'll never forget.
the passion and will that everyone in that room had to stay for one more song, one more song, one more song, the last song. each one better then the last, each person screaming from the top of their lungs what they knew better than anything else.

the words that brought everyone together.

thank you, for the little things

like, visiting me on my lunch break
because you know i dont like being alone at the mall by myself haha :)
and sending me texts late at night telling me how much you love me.
i just love you so much, and i want you all ways,
always.

<333

if only if only

some things are better left unsaid,
while others, on the other hand ;)
need to be yelled and screamed and cried out
as loud and noticeable as one human being possibly can
for him or her, to just, feel better.


i wish
i wish
i can just let go,
let go.

i was scared,

when i first saw you, and met you.
i was scared of you.

thats sad too because youre so nice, if only you didnt put up that awful front.

mama there's wolves in the house.

prepare yourself

for the upcoming leave of summer.
:(

back home

i love kissing you,
and feeling you,
i love you so much.

you lovely

im going to miss you so much,
you're leaving for a whole nine days!!
what am i going to do without you here, a drive away?!!
:(
you're going to have so much fun though, discovering things and all.
you deserve it, but im going to miss you.
i love you poopyhead.

little teeth.

we left and came back

:)
it was all too perfect
everything that happened
was just supposed to happen because
in the end everyone was just,
happy to be themselves.

one more time?

i miss you,
there's nothing i can do.
there is nothing.
and its all my fault.
i miss you.

to my light,

i miss you
i miss talking to you,
and fighting with you,
ah, those hugs,
i miss those hugs.

love,
your failure.

iv'e got a heart but it's afraid to love
sometimes i think the damn thing's full of rust

mouth.

i like your mouth,
i like your mouth,
when it touches my mouth.

it told me, it said,

"do the things that scare you the most"
but i'm too scared.

it's so hot

too hot,
and i have work today,
scooping ice cream, and making milk shakes,
i guess thats not really work.

last night was so much fucking fun.

it was fun being with all of my old friends, i felt awkward at first but then i just told everyone i loved them and they said they loved me too.
so many people
so many people
so many friends
so many friends, i love.
sleeping at natashas was nice too since i haven't spent time with her in fucking forever, it was annoying though waking up to her and heather wanting to go to denny's at four in the morning and not letting me sleep! but that's why i love them :)
it was good seeing angela, and her friend blake.
it was fun watching fefe and matt interact with one another
it was fun playing heyaiz and frolicking everywhere with "da band"
it was fun telling him to just sleep at natashas with me and to just tell the SAT people that he recently picked up the swine flu, he didnt though...
it was fun seeing friends from work at mc donald's and telling them the drama of the night for only God knows why
i missed hayley
i missed my baby
i missed you too, but you were somewhere else far.

baby

we had a good day you and i,
getting lunch,
and using the swings to fly

Barbie And Ken 101

My friend Patrick read this poem today in class:

sometimes I feel like I'm sittin' in the back row of Barbie and Ken 101
a class we are all in, but never seem to learn from
some general ed requirement for
students of American culture
age that convinces even the brightest
of young women that sex is survival of the thinnest
and I'm sick of this education that doesn't serve our best interests
my teacher has no face
she is every Revelon model women have ever chased
her lectures come through magazines in beauty shops & add campaigns,
shit
just turn on your tv
this just in, a skewed perspective for todays youth y'al ladies aint thin enough, fellas aint trim
enough, wanna be sexy?
y'all don't go to the gym enough, cut to commercial, common just come tune
in to our maintenance team, convince you're ugly then tell you how to fix it with maybeline
perpetually started by these dolls marketed in the late 50's named
Barbie and Ken
hence the
class I'm in
are you following?
shit didn't end
they keep moldin' Barbie to fit new trends
next maybe they'll have club hoppin' Barbie
with thongs as accessories
video hoe Barbie
abusive boyfriend sold separately
underaged Barbie
Cobey Bryant included
or 9/11 victim Barbie
and Ken is proud to get recruited
problem is all these teachings are womans decay
and I'm startin' to worry cuz my girl is up front and she's getting an A
this is where I start getting pissed off ok
when the f**k did it become all about
tuckin' in the gutt I gotta get the bigger breast
shit I wanna fit a little better in a dress
so let me get a little skinny gotta fit into an itty bitty
size slimmer so I livin up the chest
please
teacher teacher I wanna give my oral presentation
cuz I have a problem with the class, and matter of fact, I have, a fat ass grudge with the
whole administration
you're the reason my girl won't eat in front of me in restaurants
the reason that she thinks she's overweight in over ten spots
less gut less pudge less lunch less real, more looks more love more Barbie
appeal?
f**k Barbie and Ken
my future daughter will never play with them
you're the reason bleedin' 15 year old girls arms are slit
you made 12 year olds think skinny was a compliment
and now it's too late
i can't write my way through this bathroom door
so I raise my hand in class cuz I can't stand it any more
teacher teacher your lectures all backwards
you got mothers and daughters forgetting what matters
cause above tits, ass, lips, legs, and uggs
the most attractive women are the ones who don't give a f**k
so screw your teachings your lessons and plans
you skewed sick distant relative of the man
your plan for brainwashin' my baby I reject
i'm walkin' out of this class, and I will proudly take, my F.

-Rafael Casal

most of these are about you and you probably don't even spend a single minute of the day to read what i have to say.
it probably doesn't even come up in your mind.
it's sad.
i don't want to be here, at your house, waiting for you.
i want to leave, i don't want to see messages anymore.
i really just want to leave your house to somewhere i know i won't get hurt.

i hate you.
i love you.
i fucking hate you.

i really just want to leave your house.

you know,

I’ve been so high
I’ve been so down
up to the skies
Down to the ground

I was so blind
I could not see
Your paradise
Is not for me

Encore une fois
Je suis cassée

i want more than anything for you to be happy
and, what i want for myself is to be happy
i want more than anything for us to be happy together.

"all i want is you to know that you have me no matter what
and that i love you."
April 11, 12:15 pm

i think this is what love is, i'm almost sure.

You need to know.

You spend your time you spend my life stuck in your room
I take it hard because I tried to get you out to
To have a stroll, to have a talk
About your world, about the laws
That keep you stuck, that keep you lost
I know it's hard for you to change
Before we part our separate ways
You need to know, I understand you.

-The Dodos

p/s

you can be such a fucking asshole, with no consideration for anyone but yourself, it's always you you you, and never what you can do for the world, or your friends. you are so stupid i wish people could just see right through you so things would be easier. no thought or care for me.
which is weird because you DO seem to talk alot. actions speak louder than words buddy,
just throwing that out there.

the fearsome foursome, what a number.

it seems like we only sing one song,
just the four of us but it doesn't really matter.
we don't need to prove or feel accepted,
we just feel loved, and see the love coming off of each other
it's a big bright vibrant light.
sneaking looks and glances,
we catch each other's eyes and never forget to smile
it just comes subconsciously because
it is just so true and real, no fake just love
love for the fearsome foursome.

..."come with me, my love, to the sea, the sea of love. i want to tell you, how much, i love you..."

is anyone listening to me?

no one is listening to me.

erotic, erotic

put
your
hands
all
over
my
body.
erotic, erotic
put
your
hands
all
over
my
body.

#23

This could hardly be any clearer.
The things you currently value most -the material aspects of your life- are not what is really valuable. Indeed, they are traps. Look very deep within, and see what truly lies there.




What truly lies there?

i am so bored

with everyone and everything,
i want to meet new people with new stories and things to laugh about.
i keep waiting for something to happen and it never does, it is just the same routine over and over again.

ah!

it's been a while,

travis and i wrote a pretty song today that i really love and other than that i just slept.
no school, or food, just sleep.

what do you really need?
yourself.

when do you know when enough is enough?

really when do you know?
am i just pretending like everything is great with us, or am i used to you putting friends, and music, and bicycle riding, in front of me.

i get it, i can be a selfish person when it comes down to you

but it's just cause i want you, allll the time, i always want to be with you and it hurts when i can tell you don't want me, the same. it's hard to explain cause feelings are hard to explain but that's how i feel.
i don't like being put second or third or fourth, i like being first with you.

kuh kah

i think im going to delete my myspace.
i've been on vacation for quite a while now, just so happy and not worrying about anything until i found a way to get on the computer and what good did it do for me? none.
i felt all of a sudden like i was missing out on something and all the emotions i hate feeling came rushing back like a slap in the face. now i remember how i felt back at home, horrible and stuck.
none of you matter because i will be gone once im done.
not in a mean or hurtful way but in a realistic way.
why do i have to waste my time pretending to be nice?
i dont, so i won't be anymore, not unless i want to be.


there i said it.
:)

up and down, up and down.

it's just so crazy how things can happen,
the way people act, and react,
the way people love or don't.

it's all around, it's in you, and it's in me.
a reason for being happy is the amount of love you are allowed to give,
an endless amount.

be happy because of your love,
it's all you need, you know.

.

nothing has changed, like i had a feeling it wouldn't.
you're a joke.

.

you're a fucking joke.

it's been eight months.

eight months of ups and downs,
eight months of goods and bads,
but mostly eight months of :) and <3

eight great months, and hopefully many more to come.


------------------------------

i miss so many things, but i know they can't go back to what they were, cause i'm not as ignorant as i used to be.
i miss you, and i'm happy you slept over on friday, i love being with you and your smiles
i miss you, and how you were always there but now you're way to far away, i'm scared you won't reply if i say something.
i miss you, probably most of all, and the way you would make me fall to my knees and cry when i would sing your praises.


"returning nightmares only shadows
we'll cast some light and you'll be alright for now
crosses all over, heavy on your shoulders
the sirens inside you waiting to step forward
disturbing silence darkens your sight
we'll cast some light and you'll be alright for now"

breathe.

if you judge people, you have no time to love them.

-Mother Theresa

p//s

after i finished putting the whipped cream and chocolate drizzle very delicately on the hot chocolate i just made for a little girl my boss turned to me and said, "that looks great anabel don't ever let anyone tell you you're not skilled at anything."

:)
tehe.

1.28.08

i have confidence in you,
and i have confidence in myself,
but most of all,
i have confidence in us,
only cause it's called love,

anything else and we wouldn't exist.
oh gosh, i love you so much.
<3456789

for you, yes you.

i dont ever think i will be able to believe a single word that comes out of your mouth again, i don't understand what i did to deserve the way you treated me behind my back, and when i write that i mean only you knew, you were the only one who knew the truth. I don't understand how after i was there for you when everyone else wasn't, you even had to lie to more people about what was really going on with you but you said you told me the truth, i don't even know if i believe that anymore. the sad thing is, i overheard you on the phone the other day and you were exactly the same. calling someone to provide information about something that was private between you and someone else, someone who said your bullshit is hard to deal with. i don't understand why you did this to me, you hurt me so bad, i really thought our friendship was real and to hear about you going around telling everyone your sob story and telling them all of the little, nonsense, stupid, irrelevant lies you told me. i'm embarrassed and ashamed, and for all of the countless times i stood up for you when you didn't think i did. the truth is it was never my fault countless of people to the left and right of me would say things about you, it was yours, it wasn't my job to stick up for you but i did, and i guess i lied to them too. i feel like an idiot for believing you, it's almost as if i drank your words like water.

i hope you get help so you don't hurt someone as bad as you hurt me.

on october 16, 2008 at 11:55 you wrote:
"i'd be in trouble
oh i'd be in trouble if you wandered off somewhere with someone else
while i was left to wonder,
where you had walked without me by your side
not holding your hand,
even if i never knew you,
i still wouldn't understand
your worth it,
so worth it,
so very very worth it."

thanks for that,
and all of the others, they really make all the difference,
i love you.











p//s
suburban nightlife has a new song
check it out :)
myspace.com/suburbannightlife1

and i never thought this would be the outcome.

you're a dumb cunt,
sucks.

it's so odd

how you can hate someone so much for all the aching and mental damage that they have done to you,
but then you love them just the same for just being themselves, or maybe you love them because of the type of leash put on you.
don't do this,
don't do that,
never ever do this,
don't even think about doing that.
oh, how the list can go on and on and on.

of course, i don't deserve my say because i am not as "perfect" as you.
you are just too "perfect."

i think, it just might be too much for me.

:z

i take my license test tomorrow, ah!

the thing is,

you need to know when enough is enough and do something about it.
i know when enough is enough, the thing is, i don't want to move.
for once in a long time i was alone, like you told me i should be i guess,
it was kind of a date with myself, just thinking.
i liked it.

you're just so precious, thanks for the love.

I know that it is freezing, but I think we have to walk
I keep waving at the taxis, they keep turning their lights off
But Julie knows a party at some actor's West side loft
Supplies are endless in the evening by the morning they'll be gone

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations
with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit

And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist

You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
Just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
Well, it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad
But what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag

I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train
And if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is

It was so simple in the moonlight now it's so complicated
It was so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight
So simple in the moonlight...

one more for today

we had a short conversation, it was sweet and hopeful just full of hope.
i think it's all we need for now, at least for today.

shit son

i can never sleep without waking up at least four or five times in the middle of the night. my bad dreams aren't helping me out too well either.

you embarrassed me
and for some reason my body is unable to let it go,
at least for right now
maybe that is the reason for my nightmares.

it's crazy, the meaning.

"Riding on these waves
Holding on to what you say
Everything will be okay
it will work out one way

But I’ve drifted way too far
my arms my legs have grown too tired
And could you be inspired, now I’m just tired

And on a swing you push me hard
So I’ll come back to where you are
And you know I’m never far
No decisions nothing hard

And I knew that it would ring tonight
I’ll take the bus or the next flight
I won't give up on what feels right

If you see these tears fill in my eyes
It's just the wind that makes me cry
If you could feel this pain inside
It's from the drinks we drank last night
It's from the drinks we drank last night

The shadow of our past,
projects on clouds of dust and gas
The ones where my eyes will rest,
a silhouette of loneliness

If you see these tears fill in my eyes
It's just the wind that makes me cry
If you could feel this pain inside
It's from the drinks we drank last night
It's from the drinks we drank last night"

-"The Drinks We Drank Last Night" (Azure Ray)

you know what?

i wish you only the best, i really do.
i hope you can figure things out and be proud of who you are
and what you are hopefully becoming.
i know deep deep down that one day you will be the person you portray yourself as and once you do i don't think you will feel as lonely anymore. you know the loneliness you feel but don't let anyone ever know about? i can see it. you can't lie to me, cause i can see right through the act of nothing being wrong or broken, i think we are all somehow broken when we're babies, our parents seem to forget their lack of innocence. i wish you trusted me and shared with me, that's all i would ever want from anyone.
i love you and,
i wish you only the very best, i really do.

dear heyai,

thank you for picking me up from school today and thank you for making me laugh,
endlessly.

january 1, 2009

i had the best new years of my entire life.
i love my friends, and our late night trips to 7-eleven.
i love my boyfriend, and his kisses for the new year.
i love how your heart softened and followed me back home.