Waiting,

I'm waiting on texts and lyrics to songs, and love I didn't know I had.
Love I didn't know I had. Hmm that's weird because all the love I have I can see, even when it tries so hard to hide. God seems to work in mysterious ways but he doesn't fool me.
Repetition of words, especially the ones that mean the most can sometimes run dull when you know you will always have it tucked in your pocket, just for you and no one else. No one told you that you will have to share, but I guess if you forget, it can just as easily fall out when your walking somewhere foreign, so when you realize it's gone, you won't know where to find it. A lose lose situation. One's gone without the other, a way it was never supposed to be and hopefully never will.
Why must we constantly take things for granted? Even when I try not to, I just end up being selfish. I guess that can be good at times, and bad. Never one or the other. Always shades of grey, no matter how hard I try or wish to believe I can make things black and white. It never will be.

They will blend us in.



p//s
I miss bobo:

PS!

Yassi and I are the BIGGEST lurks of all time...


hahaha
...You'll never know.

ahctober, 22, 2008

I woke up to the tree smashing itself among my window this morning, although the moon was still out and standing proud I felt like it was mocking me. Probably because i had the same song stuck in my head as the night before. Life can really be a big mind game and the scariest part is, once you subtract everything, you are left with the solution, yourself.
You are the one in control, I think it only scares me because I am so dependent on people/family members/friends, even the ones who let me down I am dependent on them. It's hard, like rocks, to follow through and believe in a theory such as this, but it helps to just not care at times and be numb to the things less important, or the people you keep trying to please that don't matter in the end. I have heard so many times that you can't start going around helping people until you first help yourself.
Have you?
Have you helped yourself?
Are you happy with where you are, the path you have chosen to find yourself?
No one knows who they are yet and i don't think they ever will. Each decade of our lives change who we are, what we believe in, I know it has for me and it will continue to be that way. Sometimes I wish some situations would be as easy as the alignment of the planets. Everything fits here and works together there. That would be nice huh? Its one thing to say "I'd rather work hard and have a sweet ending," and mean it. It's another to, for once in life, go through a situation where there is no damage or heartbreak, just positive energy and good intentions. Simplicity is something I favor and enjoy, and I think it is simple and easy to have good intentions, just open your heart and don't be so afraid love.

I can't do it, I lose my words and forget everything completely.

I have been thinking a lot about guilt lately.
I have been thinking about different ways people handle it, and how people use it. I don't like when people just hand out guilt trips like they should be treated as gifts. There is nothing worse than having your day ruined by someone who you can't stop thinking about or feeling bad for, as if it is your fault. I think that if someone does that, then they really feel as if they are the ones at fault, and they don't know how to deal or handle it. At this point I usually just try my best to let them go and wish them best. That really is all you have to do sometimes, just wish someone the best even though you can dislike them with every bone in your body. It's nice to do things like that, it is a nice release. It doesn't work if you don't fully believe in it, believe me, I would know.
Anyways,
I haven't seen my mom in weeks and I miss her, but not really, yeah I do. I miss my momma. I miss what I wished for things to be, if that makes any sense at all. I miss a lot of things like the summer when I didn't care about shoes or bras. I miss the drums I could constantly hear that led me nowhere. I miss old friends, and I miss the love that didn't hurt anyone. I miss easy mistakes, and easy talks, I miss secret coffee dates.
But most of all, I miss __ ___.

A ONE, A TWO, A ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

I really just don't understand why when people love each other they hold back or pretend like their feelings are false. Or even worse, lie about them. Is the reason because they're afraid? Afraid of what they do to so many others, always leaving and finding a "better" significant other before they get hooked as well? Why is it constantly a race between two people? Can human beings just give into something, for once, that they are so afraid get hurt over, or bashed over, or criticized over?
let it go,
let it go.
those are all words we can't spare to waste. The words that will give us the opportunity to embrace what we ache and need for. The words that give us the go to reveal how we really react, behind closed doors. The words that will make sure we wont care what people think.
let it go,
let it go.
I think it would be best for all of us if we just let it go and got ready to start fresh start, even for something that could be a recurrence. All it means is new memories and new songs to listen and sing to. I mean, come on, that's not so bad right?
Go for it loser.


<4

Its just never enough.

In the hot water and patchouli oil I can feel it on my back like a nail and hammer, it’s the beat of a song that contradicts itself just like me. Why does it never let me forget the dreams I used to dream? Its way to hot for more than one person, you are way too hot, such an early accusation for a friend so new. I can hum the words all I want so I can remember even though I know that if I stop they will still be stuck in my head. Why am I worried of forgetting something I know more so than the back of my hand. “Do you tend to guard yourself?” almost at an instant I reply with a yes. But is it true? How could it ever be? I thought I was the one who always wore my most important essential for living on my wrist. I am thankful for no more grudges and I am thankful for love and peace, even though it doesn’t live among the world, I am happy it lives here within myself. I need to get out of this hot water. The water I have boiled for myself. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe this whole thing was a mistake. Hate me for it but I like the smell of the fire. It reassures me that people are here to help and will take care of me, and of you just us two. I have so many questions for the world I wish I could just fly into space and look at it face first and ask the universe what I need to hear. I think that’s just it. I am not supposed to know. Not right now at least. No one is supposed to know, we get so greedy and selfish and wrapped up in ourselves. Even if you seem like the most selfless human being on earth you mush be thinking in the end, what is in it for me? Eternal life? I wish I knew more. All I want is for you to tell me everything and all of your problems I want to know your questions. The Indians knew. I bet they still do with their herbs and prayers. I wish I was an Indian.