thank you for the idea.

1. we first met each other in the sixth grade and i thought you were a fucking freak and even all throughout middle school we weren't even that close. it really engraved itself this summer and i dont even know how? i think over those few months we just grew up together and everyone stayed their same old selves. we both realized that all the people who seemed so immature and all the people that seemed like they changed haven't changed at all. it was us, we changed and no one noticed. it was a great self development and it was nice to share it with you, in the salty waves and the heavy sun. how did we both grow up together in just those few months? i love you.

2. it seems like you don't care about anything, i mean anything at all but it is just you. i love who you are, i always have ever since we had history class together you were my favorite and i loved not changing in dance class just so we could sit out and talk about boys and how we need to be a certain way. nah we dont, we need to be ourselves and we are, it just takes a while to actually find who we are and who we need to present. i miss you so much and i always want to hang out with you, i wish you just cared a little bit just so you won't be grounded anymore loser, i love you.

3. i really hate to admit this, and i feel so stupid but i will do anything for you it has gotten this deep, the love. i can't picture myself without you and when i do it scares me but it's hard not to think about it. i love how long it's been and i love how we still talk on the phone every night for hours at a time. when i do anything, anything at all i just want you to be there with me walking with me laughing with me traveling with me, i can never get sick of you because i always want more and more. i crave your presence from when i wake up to when i fall asleep. it's crazy, how much i love you.
<4

4. i wish you wouldn't put yourself down all the time because i think you are so beautiful and fun to be around and, you always have nice things to say about everyone else, but not yourself. we don't hang out enough and i know that when you read this you are going to know that it is about you because i always always tell you how much i adore you but i don't think you believe me but really it comes down to you. you have to realize it from the inside i can tell you all i want, the truth that is, but you have to be the one to take my word for it, it's your body, your brain. i love you.

5. you are just so much fun, whether it is dancing, or laughing, or cuddling you are just so much fun, and i love hanging out with you. i can't wait to get my license so it won't be as difficult to hang out with all of you gals, it will happen soon, very soon! you are one of the most caring girls i have ever met, just how you always are willing to help and please, you always put people ahead of yourself which is nice, sometimes. i wish your heart wasn't broken as many times as you say because it is such a shame that it has happened, especially at such a young age. i'll help you fix it, i know you will, you are a strong girl with a strong soul, i love you.

6. i envy your passion for God, i believe in a higher power but whenever i tried to follow a structured religion i couldn't do it, so i really admire you. the way you carry yourself is so light, with the way you walk and laugh, with your beautiful eyes and smiling mouth,it is just so innocent like i will never have to worry when you are around because no matter what we will be alright. i wish we got together more, i really don't know why it hasn't happened yet but i am sure it will soon. i love you.

i have more, so this is a "to be continued..."

let the good times roll...

these are so insignificant it doesn't make sense.
you are a fucking liar, and i'll pray you can live with your conscience.
it's so sad we all know, now your shadow will have to stop laughing,
its our turn bitch.

my hairs been getting longer,

so it gets in lots of tangles now.

who'd ever thought i would be so blessed?

last night, at my unsuccessful christmas recital i for once in a very long time got to have a great meaningful, heartfelt conversation with my best friend since the beginning of time. it's so hard to describe our relationship because it is truly unlike anything else and i don't even think anyone would be able to begin to understand. i guess things got bumpy because we stopped sharing secrets but i think it is because we already knew what they were and words didn't even have to be exchanged but somehow along the way feelings got hurt on both sides with no intention at all. just love, and how could that even be possible? when two people love each other so much but their feelings still end up being hurt? i think it is because of a lack of reassurance. everyone needs a little reassurance right?
well, here is mine so you will never forget and even if you do i will never be too far to tell you that i love you and i will always understand you and i will always be here my friend.

mm.

you left a mark after you kissed my neck.
<3

"you don't know anything except for being in love"

my night started at about twelve last night, and it never ended.
even if it did i wouldn't admit it, i had too much of a nice time.
oh my goodness, i had the best time getting all my screams out.

i woke up with a voicemail that was left at around four in the morning which didn't come to me as a surprise, i guess i know her too well. it was my dearest friend telling me how much she loved me and she was sorry for making me cry because, she understood me and she knows how much i love her and need her. it's really like yin and yang we are complete opposites such opposites in fact that we need one another to see the other half, the other side. it was the sweetest voicemail and i hope it stays on my phone and never runs away cause i will need to replay it when i'm sad cause she's gone and there are no more thursday nights, or decoding songs with there lyrics, or perfect days on the beach, or speaking of irrationality because we all need that. it's those who are wiling to admit it are the raw ones and she's a raw one.
i'm so sorry that people don't tell you how beautiful you are and that you deserve only the best with the amount of love i have ever seen anyone give another person.
i'm so sorry that people can't see how strong you are because you are one of the strongest girls i know. i envy your standing point in all situations wether it's right or wrong you take your stance, i wish i had that.

"Heal the scars from off my back
I don't need them anymore
You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars"

i love you. i love you. i love you.
don't ever forget it.

love wins.

i love when the rain just washes everything away,
and
i love when the wind just blows everything away,
and
i love when you play the guitar, you just play everything away.

i miss you, but i miss what never was, what never will be.
i don't care what you say i can still keep my nightmares, the ones i call dreams.

this is something the waves won't be able to carry away.
this is deeply, deeply carved and wedged.
this is something the sun won't be able to shine away.

at least i don't think so my dear.

i like to hear the drums just so it won't let me skip a beat.

last night was so nice, i loved just laying with you and talking about a bunch of silly stuff and doing funny things, stupid things.
haha.
thanks for being here for me lately, i can really see that you're trying (more like succeeding)
fuck, i love you way too much it's crazy.
today on the other hand is a new story which is different for me, i should never get upset, i should be able to do it all.
i'll never be able to do it all...
...just kiddin'
ofcourse i can :)

i'm home, finally.

of course, i woke up at four in the morning because i am not used to the time yet.
today is going to be such a good day with yass :)
i'm excited to see her, it's been way too long.

YIPEEE.
<33345

p.s.

i don't know how to describe this but i get these really big feelings of anxiety, they come in waves i guess.
i just feel really guilty.
i shouldn't feel guilty when i am doing the right thing and waiting for right moments.
so then, i guess this guilt is just obligated subconsciously.
that's lame things shouldn't be this way, i should feel happy and liberated, especially here.

on another note, i miss you too much and tomorrow is too long from now.
fuck, me.

it's little and white.

i hate knowing that you just lied to me over something so dumb and insignificant, i hate how you do it all the time and you constantly think i am stupid enough to believe your arrogant words. i know you are lying with the way you answer so quickly without even a stutter and how the words flow right out of your mouth like you have been reciting the lines over and over again. i hate always finding out accidentally from someone else that doesn't even matter, just like this lie. i could be wrong, you could be telling the truth but how could you if you know so much?
i'm sure you must think i am as dumb as your words, that is such a pity.
i think that you are a complete idiot sometimes, just thought i'd let you know.

my nightmare:

I caught myself and kept yelling no. Somehow I got a bat and started beating him as hard as I could in the head, everywhere so he could feel my pain. This time I was the one able to let my anger out, to let myself go, it was my turn. His face was so beaten that it was off of his skull and he lye on the floor dead. Sometime towards the end, his daughter and wife walked in and my shoulder was caught back on a metal fence to reality going at speeds of a million miles per hour. My heart was pounding just as hard as I was pounding the bat on his face and a dam full of tears were screaming pouring out. The next words that came out of my wet, salivating, bloody mouth were I’m so sorry. I wasn’t talking about him though; I was saying it to her, his daughter, and to myself.

...just a little smidgen of what is yet to come.

what the fuck?

today my gramma and i woke up at 6:30 because today was the day she shot her seen. ofcourse i didn't find out that she was doing it with fucking eli roth, the director of hostel 1 and 2 (kyle loves him) the most awkward part for me was the fact that kyle and i had already met him at the opening night of hostel 2 for heather's sixteenth birthday. so, for me to see him again, in berlin germany vas veird :)
i was so surprised that he actually recognized me when he walked into the hair and make-up trailer. i told him how kyle and i thought hostel was more funny than scary especially with the man from the train who only shows up once within the entire movie, you may know him as the man who gave us the brilliant face that we do where you elongate your nose and puff out your lips while squinting your eyes. i even showed him our version and he died, but he asked for my email address so he can send me some pictures of him because unfortunatley he doesnt show up on google, haha. today was the greatest day in germany by far. just getting to know all the different producers, directors, wardrobe, hair, makeup, actors, ahh everything. i think that it was the best because i have been waiting for it ever since i came here.
now what?
time to see the city thats what.
its just so cold...
:/
...SUCK IT UP ANNIE :)

i miss you, and i love you.

i misses you,

but this is so great :)
all the cold air, and weird building structures.
the movie my gramma is working on is going to be so great and big, its a really big production with big actors, and directors, and wardrobe people, its called "inglourious basterds." im excited for it to come out.
its so hard to sleep here, i dont know why but whenever i try it is unsuccsessful.
im going to go to the spa today, and then shop around berlin. im going to get nice presents for my friends and family back at home.
i cant wait, for a number of things.
<3
thank you kyle
thank you yassi
thank you jesse
thank you dad

for all keeping me sane.

i'm leaving this place

for somewhere else i have never been.
...please don't let everything fall apart.
i love all of you.

<4

i want to leave so bad, especially if its as far as berlin germany, but im going to miss my baby.
things have been going so great, too great.
i love it, i love this, i love him.

"I'm-a-gonna show the way"

"I'll be the one to show you the way
You'll be the one to always complain
Three in the morning come-a bang bang bang
All out of fags and I just can't wait
Cancel the thing that I said I'd do
I don't feel comfortable talkin' to you
'Less you got the zipper fixed on my shoe
Then I'll be in the lobby drinking for two

Eighteen
Balding
Star
Golden
Falling
Hard

Look at the shakies
What's with the blush?
Fresh off the plane in my fuzzy rush
Everyone's gathered to idolize me
I hate the way you talk your Japanese scream
It's been too long since I left the shed
You kick the bucket and I'll swing my legs
Always remember the pact that we made
Too young to die but old isn't great

Eighteen
Balding
Star
Golden
Falling
Hard

I'm-a gonna show the way
I'm-a gonna show the way
I'm-a gonna show the way"


....I'ts all so true, too true to be real.

everything, everything, nothing.

i have decided that all the things i don't want to write in my actual journal i am just going to write in here because i can't let me secrets become exposed to whoever please to type in the link to my little blog spot! not that everyone is dying to read this or anything. i just feel like this is most necessary.
i'll also just go on and on about you because i don't want to look back at my pretty pages and see that they've been ruined with words of false hope. will someone please tell me how i am even capable of giving so many chances? is there something wrong with me, something wrong enough for me to allow myself to continuously get hurt time and time again? i guess no one knows, i doubt anyone does if i can't even figure it out. i hate writing long posts and even worse, reading them, so sorry about this one.
:/
today is the first day in a long time where yassi and i have not spent every thursday night together doing what we do best,
_ _ _ _ _ _ _. tehe, its our little secret, just ours. it's nice to have something we can call our own.

11/9/08

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind

In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind

Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines



Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall, fall behind?

"It's not that interesting but i'd like to keep it a secret so i'll have, something left to give."

I think that when I try and make people feel welcome they think I'm faking it and just being mean. I think a lot of people think I'm faking it, when it comes down to other things.
The truth is, half of the time, I am.
tehehe.
;)

What?

I prayed for those who were against same sex marriage and those who are discriminatory against anyone for that matter. I prayed for God to ease their hearts and take their blindfolds off so they could just see the truth and love, nothing else. But then I realized, am I praying to the same God they are?
It can't be.
How could it be?
It scares, me. I'm so scared of all the confusion our world runs on.
It's all a big whirl of thoughts. We are all a big whirl of thoughts.
YOUR LIFE.
YOUR LIFE.
YOUR LIFE.
YOUR LIFE.
It's your life.
it's your life.
this is the day.

"You're Not Even Real"

Yes you are, you are completely real,
It's time for me to face my fears,
And follow my own advice.
...I love you though.

Waiting,

I'm waiting on texts and lyrics to songs, and love I didn't know I had.
Love I didn't know I had. Hmm that's weird because all the love I have I can see, even when it tries so hard to hide. God seems to work in mysterious ways but he doesn't fool me.
Repetition of words, especially the ones that mean the most can sometimes run dull when you know you will always have it tucked in your pocket, just for you and no one else. No one told you that you will have to share, but I guess if you forget, it can just as easily fall out when your walking somewhere foreign, so when you realize it's gone, you won't know where to find it. A lose lose situation. One's gone without the other, a way it was never supposed to be and hopefully never will.
Why must we constantly take things for granted? Even when I try not to, I just end up being selfish. I guess that can be good at times, and bad. Never one or the other. Always shades of grey, no matter how hard I try or wish to believe I can make things black and white. It never will be.

They will blend us in.



p//s
I miss bobo:

PS!

Yassi and I are the BIGGEST lurks of all time...


hahaha
...You'll never know.

ahctober, 22, 2008

I woke up to the tree smashing itself among my window this morning, although the moon was still out and standing proud I felt like it was mocking me. Probably because i had the same song stuck in my head as the night before. Life can really be a big mind game and the scariest part is, once you subtract everything, you are left with the solution, yourself.
You are the one in control, I think it only scares me because I am so dependent on people/family members/friends, even the ones who let me down I am dependent on them. It's hard, like rocks, to follow through and believe in a theory such as this, but it helps to just not care at times and be numb to the things less important, or the people you keep trying to please that don't matter in the end. I have heard so many times that you can't start going around helping people until you first help yourself.
Have you?
Have you helped yourself?
Are you happy with where you are, the path you have chosen to find yourself?
No one knows who they are yet and i don't think they ever will. Each decade of our lives change who we are, what we believe in, I know it has for me and it will continue to be that way. Sometimes I wish some situations would be as easy as the alignment of the planets. Everything fits here and works together there. That would be nice huh? Its one thing to say "I'd rather work hard and have a sweet ending," and mean it. It's another to, for once in life, go through a situation where there is no damage or heartbreak, just positive energy and good intentions. Simplicity is something I favor and enjoy, and I think it is simple and easy to have good intentions, just open your heart and don't be so afraid love.

I can't do it, I lose my words and forget everything completely.

I have been thinking a lot about guilt lately.
I have been thinking about different ways people handle it, and how people use it. I don't like when people just hand out guilt trips like they should be treated as gifts. There is nothing worse than having your day ruined by someone who you can't stop thinking about or feeling bad for, as if it is your fault. I think that if someone does that, then they really feel as if they are the ones at fault, and they don't know how to deal or handle it. At this point I usually just try my best to let them go and wish them best. That really is all you have to do sometimes, just wish someone the best even though you can dislike them with every bone in your body. It's nice to do things like that, it is a nice release. It doesn't work if you don't fully believe in it, believe me, I would know.
Anyways,
I haven't seen my mom in weeks and I miss her, but not really, yeah I do. I miss my momma. I miss what I wished for things to be, if that makes any sense at all. I miss a lot of things like the summer when I didn't care about shoes or bras. I miss the drums I could constantly hear that led me nowhere. I miss old friends, and I miss the love that didn't hurt anyone. I miss easy mistakes, and easy talks, I miss secret coffee dates.
But most of all, I miss __ ___.

A ONE, A TWO, A ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

I really just don't understand why when people love each other they hold back or pretend like their feelings are false. Or even worse, lie about them. Is the reason because they're afraid? Afraid of what they do to so many others, always leaving and finding a "better" significant other before they get hooked as well? Why is it constantly a race between two people? Can human beings just give into something, for once, that they are so afraid get hurt over, or bashed over, or criticized over?
let it go,
let it go.
those are all words we can't spare to waste. The words that will give us the opportunity to embrace what we ache and need for. The words that give us the go to reveal how we really react, behind closed doors. The words that will make sure we wont care what people think.
let it go,
let it go.
I think it would be best for all of us if we just let it go and got ready to start fresh start, even for something that could be a recurrence. All it means is new memories and new songs to listen and sing to. I mean, come on, that's not so bad right?
Go for it loser.


<4

Its just never enough.

In the hot water and patchouli oil I can feel it on my back like a nail and hammer, it’s the beat of a song that contradicts itself just like me. Why does it never let me forget the dreams I used to dream? Its way to hot for more than one person, you are way too hot, such an early accusation for a friend so new. I can hum the words all I want so I can remember even though I know that if I stop they will still be stuck in my head. Why am I worried of forgetting something I know more so than the back of my hand. “Do you tend to guard yourself?” almost at an instant I reply with a yes. But is it true? How could it ever be? I thought I was the one who always wore my most important essential for living on my wrist. I am thankful for no more grudges and I am thankful for love and peace, even though it doesn’t live among the world, I am happy it lives here within myself. I need to get out of this hot water. The water I have boiled for myself. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe this whole thing was a mistake. Hate me for it but I like the smell of the fire. It reassures me that people are here to help and will take care of me, and of you just us two. I have so many questions for the world I wish I could just fly into space and look at it face first and ask the universe what I need to hear. I think that’s just it. I am not supposed to know. Not right now at least. No one is supposed to know, we get so greedy and selfish and wrapped up in ourselves. Even if you seem like the most selfless human being on earth you mush be thinking in the end, what is in it for me? Eternal life? I wish I knew more. All I want is for you to tell me everything and all of your problems I want to know your questions. The Indians knew. I bet they still do with their herbs and prayers. I wish I was an Indian.

Something I Forgot To Let You Know.

I could always see this happening with you and other people but I never thought you would do it to me. You walk around feeling like you are better than everyone else and you put yourself above all of your friends which is why you have very few real ones. I never said one thing about you except how much I loved you and how you were my best friend but, I guess you didn't feel the same way. I don't know maybe you did, it just goes beyond what actually happened. My intentions were good. My intentions are always good, so of course I don't see your point and I don't think I ever will especially after what you said to me. It is like when two pons meet in a chess game. They're stuck. I have my views and you have yours which is why things will never be the same. To be honest everyone is sick of how you treat them, and how you treat their friends. Always spewing swords to their backs, but what happens when they all find out? Pretty soon you will be the one who loses in the fight and no one will be there to help you back up or reach out a hand. I pray this does not happen because no one deserves to feel the way you make them feel. Worthless and used I think fit best. As days continue to go on without you, it just seems to reveal who you really are. An asshole, nothing more. I will have no sympathy for you when the time comes.

TO BE CONTINUED...

the first, by Hayley Rogers.

Anabel, 

You are my great and helpful, sweet and amazing friend. One stupid history class brought us so close and we can only get closer. You help me so much in every way, you have the best advice and you are always there for me when I need you most. I never would have thought that we could be as close as we are now. You are such a good friend and I love you and everything about you, you told me things that hardly anyone knew, you hugged me when I was crying until I could smile again. You are crazy and fun, and I never knew you had certain sides that you have. And I love that we can talk without any awkwardness or anything, just simple talking and telling stories and making up stories and just simply sitting with each other and having a good time doing it. It's crazy to say that we have been through surprisingly a lot together through out this one year of friendship. We both went through break ups and mess ups and we always had each other to talk to about it. You are truely amazing annie and one of my very bestfriends. I love you I love you I love you, I can't say it enough. 

Love, Hayley