i'm home, finally.

of course, i woke up at four in the morning because i am not used to the time yet.
today is going to be such a good day with yass :)
i'm excited to see her, it's been way too long.

YIPEEE.
<33345

p.s.

i don't know how to describe this but i get these really big feelings of anxiety, they come in waves i guess.
i just feel really guilty.
i shouldn't feel guilty when i am doing the right thing and waiting for right moments.
so then, i guess this guilt is just obligated subconsciously.
that's lame things shouldn't be this way, i should feel happy and liberated, especially here.

on another note, i miss you too much and tomorrow is too long from now.
fuck, me.

it's little and white.

i hate knowing that you just lied to me over something so dumb and insignificant, i hate how you do it all the time and you constantly think i am stupid enough to believe your arrogant words. i know you are lying with the way you answer so quickly without even a stutter and how the words flow right out of your mouth like you have been reciting the lines over and over again. i hate always finding out accidentally from someone else that doesn't even matter, just like this lie. i could be wrong, you could be telling the truth but how could you if you know so much?
i'm sure you must think i am as dumb as your words, that is such a pity.
i think that you are a complete idiot sometimes, just thought i'd let you know.

my nightmare:

I caught myself and kept yelling no. Somehow I got a bat and started beating him as hard as I could in the head, everywhere so he could feel my pain. This time I was the one able to let my anger out, to let myself go, it was my turn. His face was so beaten that it was off of his skull and he lye on the floor dead. Sometime towards the end, his daughter and wife walked in and my shoulder was caught back on a metal fence to reality going at speeds of a million miles per hour. My heart was pounding just as hard as I was pounding the bat on his face and a dam full of tears were screaming pouring out. The next words that came out of my wet, salivating, bloody mouth were I’m so sorry. I wasn’t talking about him though; I was saying it to her, his daughter, and to myself.

...just a little smidgen of what is yet to come.

what the fuck?

today my gramma and i woke up at 6:30 because today was the day she shot her seen. ofcourse i didn't find out that she was doing it with fucking eli roth, the director of hostel 1 and 2 (kyle loves him) the most awkward part for me was the fact that kyle and i had already met him at the opening night of hostel 2 for heather's sixteenth birthday. so, for me to see him again, in berlin germany vas veird :)
i was so surprised that he actually recognized me when he walked into the hair and make-up trailer. i told him how kyle and i thought hostel was more funny than scary especially with the man from the train who only shows up once within the entire movie, you may know him as the man who gave us the brilliant face that we do where you elongate your nose and puff out your lips while squinting your eyes. i even showed him our version and he died, but he asked for my email address so he can send me some pictures of him because unfortunatley he doesnt show up on google, haha. today was the greatest day in germany by far. just getting to know all the different producers, directors, wardrobe, hair, makeup, actors, ahh everything. i think that it was the best because i have been waiting for it ever since i came here.
now what?
time to see the city thats what.
its just so cold...
:/
...SUCK IT UP ANNIE :)

i miss you, and i love you.

i misses you,

but this is so great :)
all the cold air, and weird building structures.
the movie my gramma is working on is going to be so great and big, its a really big production with big actors, and directors, and wardrobe people, its called "inglourious basterds." im excited for it to come out.
its so hard to sleep here, i dont know why but whenever i try it is unsuccsessful.
im going to go to the spa today, and then shop around berlin. im going to get nice presents for my friends and family back at home.
i cant wait, for a number of things.
<3
thank you kyle
thank you yassi
thank you jesse
thank you dad

for all keeping me sane.

i'm leaving this place

for somewhere else i have never been.
...please don't let everything fall apart.
i love all of you.