thank you for the idea.

1. we first met each other in the sixth grade and i thought you were a fucking freak and even all throughout middle school we weren't even that close. it really engraved itself this summer and i dont even know how? i think over those few months we just grew up together and everyone stayed their same old selves. we both realized that all the people who seemed so immature and all the people that seemed like they changed haven't changed at all. it was us, we changed and no one noticed. it was a great self development and it was nice to share it with you, in the salty waves and the heavy sun. how did we both grow up together in just those few months? i love you.

2. it seems like you don't care about anything, i mean anything at all but it is just you. i love who you are, i always have ever since we had history class together you were my favorite and i loved not changing in dance class just so we could sit out and talk about boys and how we need to be a certain way. nah we dont, we need to be ourselves and we are, it just takes a while to actually find who we are and who we need to present. i miss you so much and i always want to hang out with you, i wish you just cared a little bit just so you won't be grounded anymore loser, i love you.

3. i really hate to admit this, and i feel so stupid but i will do anything for you it has gotten this deep, the love. i can't picture myself without you and when i do it scares me but it's hard not to think about it. i love how long it's been and i love how we still talk on the phone every night for hours at a time. when i do anything, anything at all i just want you to be there with me walking with me laughing with me traveling with me, i can never get sick of you because i always want more and more. i crave your presence from when i wake up to when i fall asleep. it's crazy, how much i love you.
<4

4. i wish you wouldn't put yourself down all the time because i think you are so beautiful and fun to be around and, you always have nice things to say about everyone else, but not yourself. we don't hang out enough and i know that when you read this you are going to know that it is about you because i always always tell you how much i adore you but i don't think you believe me but really it comes down to you. you have to realize it from the inside i can tell you all i want, the truth that is, but you have to be the one to take my word for it, it's your body, your brain. i love you.

5. you are just so much fun, whether it is dancing, or laughing, or cuddling you are just so much fun, and i love hanging out with you. i can't wait to get my license so it won't be as difficult to hang out with all of you gals, it will happen soon, very soon! you are one of the most caring girls i have ever met, just how you always are willing to help and please, you always put people ahead of yourself which is nice, sometimes. i wish your heart wasn't broken as many times as you say because it is such a shame that it has happened, especially at such a young age. i'll help you fix it, i know you will, you are a strong girl with a strong soul, i love you.

6. i envy your passion for God, i believe in a higher power but whenever i tried to follow a structured religion i couldn't do it, so i really admire you. the way you carry yourself is so light, with the way you walk and laugh, with your beautiful eyes and smiling mouth,it is just so innocent like i will never have to worry when you are around because no matter what we will be alright. i wish we got together more, i really don't know why it hasn't happened yet but i am sure it will soon. i love you.

i have more, so this is a "to be continued..."

let the good times roll...

these are so insignificant it doesn't make sense.
you are a fucking liar, and i'll pray you can live with your conscience.
it's so sad we all know, now your shadow will have to stop laughing,
its our turn bitch.

my hairs been getting longer,

so it gets in lots of tangles now.

who'd ever thought i would be so blessed?

last night, at my unsuccessful christmas recital i for once in a very long time got to have a great meaningful, heartfelt conversation with my best friend since the beginning of time. it's so hard to describe our relationship because it is truly unlike anything else and i don't even think anyone would be able to begin to understand. i guess things got bumpy because we stopped sharing secrets but i think it is because we already knew what they were and words didn't even have to be exchanged but somehow along the way feelings got hurt on both sides with no intention at all. just love, and how could that even be possible? when two people love each other so much but their feelings still end up being hurt? i think it is because of a lack of reassurance. everyone needs a little reassurance right?
well, here is mine so you will never forget and even if you do i will never be too far to tell you that i love you and i will always understand you and i will always be here my friend.

mm.

you left a mark after you kissed my neck.
<3

"you don't know anything except for being in love"

my night started at about twelve last night, and it never ended.
even if it did i wouldn't admit it, i had too much of a nice time.
oh my goodness, i had the best time getting all my screams out.

i woke up with a voicemail that was left at around four in the morning which didn't come to me as a surprise, i guess i know her too well. it was my dearest friend telling me how much she loved me and she was sorry for making me cry because, she understood me and she knows how much i love her and need her. it's really like yin and yang we are complete opposites such opposites in fact that we need one another to see the other half, the other side. it was the sweetest voicemail and i hope it stays on my phone and never runs away cause i will need to replay it when i'm sad cause she's gone and there are no more thursday nights, or decoding songs with there lyrics, or perfect days on the beach, or speaking of irrationality because we all need that. it's those who are wiling to admit it are the raw ones and she's a raw one.
i'm so sorry that people don't tell you how beautiful you are and that you deserve only the best with the amount of love i have ever seen anyone give another person.
i'm so sorry that people can't see how strong you are because you are one of the strongest girls i know. i envy your standing point in all situations wether it's right or wrong you take your stance, i wish i had that.

"Heal the scars from off my back
I don't need them anymore
You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars"

i love you. i love you. i love you.
don't ever forget it.

love wins.

i love when the rain just washes everything away,
and
i love when the wind just blows everything away,
and
i love when you play the guitar, you just play everything away.

i miss you, but i miss what never was, what never will be.
i don't care what you say i can still keep my nightmares, the ones i call dreams.

this is something the waves won't be able to carry away.
this is deeply, deeply carved and wedged.
this is something the sun won't be able to shine away.

at least i don't think so my dear.

i like to hear the drums just so it won't let me skip a beat.

last night was so nice, i loved just laying with you and talking about a bunch of silly stuff and doing funny things, stupid things.
haha.
thanks for being here for me lately, i can really see that you're trying (more like succeeding)
fuck, i love you way too much it's crazy.
today on the other hand is a new story which is different for me, i should never get upset, i should be able to do it all.
i'll never be able to do it all...
...just kiddin'
ofcourse i can :)

i'm home, finally.

of course, i woke up at four in the morning because i am not used to the time yet.
today is going to be such a good day with yass :)
i'm excited to see her, it's been way too long.

YIPEEE.
<33345

p.s.

i don't know how to describe this but i get these really big feelings of anxiety, they come in waves i guess.
i just feel really guilty.
i shouldn't feel guilty when i am doing the right thing and waiting for right moments.
so then, i guess this guilt is just obligated subconsciously.
that's lame things shouldn't be this way, i should feel happy and liberated, especially here.

on another note, i miss you too much and tomorrow is too long from now.
fuck, me.

it's little and white.

i hate knowing that you just lied to me over something so dumb and insignificant, i hate how you do it all the time and you constantly think i am stupid enough to believe your arrogant words. i know you are lying with the way you answer so quickly without even a stutter and how the words flow right out of your mouth like you have been reciting the lines over and over again. i hate always finding out accidentally from someone else that doesn't even matter, just like this lie. i could be wrong, you could be telling the truth but how could you if you know so much?
i'm sure you must think i am as dumb as your words, that is such a pity.
i think that you are a complete idiot sometimes, just thought i'd let you know.

my nightmare:

I caught myself and kept yelling no. Somehow I got a bat and started beating him as hard as I could in the head, everywhere so he could feel my pain. This time I was the one able to let my anger out, to let myself go, it was my turn. His face was so beaten that it was off of his skull and he lye on the floor dead. Sometime towards the end, his daughter and wife walked in and my shoulder was caught back on a metal fence to reality going at speeds of a million miles per hour. My heart was pounding just as hard as I was pounding the bat on his face and a dam full of tears were screaming pouring out. The next words that came out of my wet, salivating, bloody mouth were I’m so sorry. I wasn’t talking about him though; I was saying it to her, his daughter, and to myself.

...just a little smidgen of what is yet to come.

what the fuck?

today my gramma and i woke up at 6:30 because today was the day she shot her seen. ofcourse i didn't find out that she was doing it with fucking eli roth, the director of hostel 1 and 2 (kyle loves him) the most awkward part for me was the fact that kyle and i had already met him at the opening night of hostel 2 for heather's sixteenth birthday. so, for me to see him again, in berlin germany vas veird :)
i was so surprised that he actually recognized me when he walked into the hair and make-up trailer. i told him how kyle and i thought hostel was more funny than scary especially with the man from the train who only shows up once within the entire movie, you may know him as the man who gave us the brilliant face that we do where you elongate your nose and puff out your lips while squinting your eyes. i even showed him our version and he died, but he asked for my email address so he can send me some pictures of him because unfortunatley he doesnt show up on google, haha. today was the greatest day in germany by far. just getting to know all the different producers, directors, wardrobe, hair, makeup, actors, ahh everything. i think that it was the best because i have been waiting for it ever since i came here.
now what?
time to see the city thats what.
its just so cold...
:/
...SUCK IT UP ANNIE :)

i miss you, and i love you.

i misses you,

but this is so great :)
all the cold air, and weird building structures.
the movie my gramma is working on is going to be so great and big, its a really big production with big actors, and directors, and wardrobe people, its called "inglourious basterds." im excited for it to come out.
its so hard to sleep here, i dont know why but whenever i try it is unsuccsessful.
im going to go to the spa today, and then shop around berlin. im going to get nice presents for my friends and family back at home.
i cant wait, for a number of things.
<3
thank you kyle
thank you yassi
thank you jesse
thank you dad

for all keeping me sane.

i'm leaving this place

for somewhere else i have never been.
...please don't let everything fall apart.
i love all of you.